Out of this world

Greetings, Earthlings! I have decided to let you in on a little secret. Something sensational, something extraordinary, something not-so-fun-to-know. A lot of non-existent you have often wondered if your history really roots from beings out of this world; whether Lady Gaga is a man after all; and least importantly, if I am, after all, a being from outer space. I am very very sorry to tell you that though the first and third rumors are true after all, Lady Gaga really is one of our science experiments from the not-so-distant-past future that has somehow escaped from one of our low-security laboratories after promising impossible things to one of our junior scientists and then knocking him out cold with a frozen banana, which incidentally was supposed to be the young man's lunch the next day. (Yes, even in the future, those nerds will do anything to get laid. Don't even ask me to start off about the young man who we appointed to work in the cryogenic lab and found out later that he was a necrophiliac who thought he was working in a morgue. Messy business, I tell you.)

Anyway, back to the point: Yes humans, the Scientologists are right after all; you WERE descended from your distant cousins from the planet Rambakaltka which revolves around the star Zinkalagua in the galaxy WootWoot. Ask me this a while later and the information may change. You see, unlike you humans, we do not stick to the same old boring names; we change them every once in a while - where a while is defined as "the amount of time that passes before one gets bored of something and needs to change it". Why am I telling you all this? Because you are not only misinterpreting us, you are also blindly copying those misinterpretations and making them part of your daily life. Of course, we should be proud of ourselves for influencing the culture of our past-future generations; but frankly, it is irritating. By copying us what you are doing is getting us bored earlier than a while and so we have to come up with new terms to keep ourselves different from you.

Now, I bet a lot of non-existent you are going "What? What are you talking about? We are humans. We don't copy anyone! We come up with our own terms.", and I don't blame the ignorant lot of you. That's why we are your great grandchild-fathers after all. The terms I am referring to are all those terms that you like to consider "cool" (That was one of our terms) and "hip" (That too) and just plain "awesome" (We'll come to this one in a bit). Some of the terms we aren't proud of using ourselves, of course; the most well-known of them being "the F word". Now, let's start with a little future-history lesson.

Us Chinkolovians had always been a quiet race. Our voices always ranged between the 120 dB and 200 dB range and always hit the lower pitches. "Aha!", you say, "doesn't metal music cover the same ranges? No wonder it sounds so out-of-this-world to so many of us". Well, the answer is yes. We left everything behind on our future planet, but we couldn't leave our music behind. But most of the so-called metal bands are the Limbers who are trying to reveal "The Truth" to you i.e. what I'm telling you right now. Of course, considering that not many of you really read this blog and that none of you will really believe this post, I think the secret is quite safe that way AND out-there too. So, in the future, when the world starts crying foul and saying that they were never told of their impending fate, we'll just point here and say "Well, it was quite out-there, wasn't it? Not our fault that you didn't pay attention, muchinto." Of course your so-called metal bands are just some of us that want to enlighten you; the rest of us are just "fitting in".

But anyway, as I was saying, we were a comparatively quiet race that got/gets bored very easily. So, we decided to see if we could find another planet to spend a while or two (or three) on. Unfortunately, we loved your little blue-green planet so much that we've been here for some while here. Of course, with our discovery of the time machine, we decided to land here when your super-ancestors were about to evolve into - well - something completely different from what you are now. Unfortunately, we killed most of them when we landed in Babylon. Yes, Alexander was one of our biggest Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast. Explains why he was gay, doesn't it? Too bad our Persian crew were bigger fans of "Prince of Persia Multiplayer Edition" and always loved to play the bad guys. Sad ending to an even sadder life, I'd say. We did save a few specimens of your ancestors, of course, and we experimented on them in the future. We tried to speed up their development process to see how you would have looked in the next few thousand years. Unfortunately, a few accidents with a time machine and a very imperfect genetic replicator have lead to some of them ending up in different parts of your history. I can't really name a lot of them from your history, but they do seem to love your twentieth century a lot. To name a few over the last century: Adolf Hitler (the prick), George Michael, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and (we have reason to believe that this one's the youngest specimen yet) Justin Bieber.

Then, of course, we moved to Rome and built our headquarters there (Hence the phrase "All roads lead to Rome"). But then some of our more adventurous morons decided to "look for new land" and ended up in the Carribean and named it after a country that's half-way across the world from there. Yes, Christopher Columbus, we're looking at you. Good thing our cannibals got to him before we did. Don't get us wrong though, we love adventure (We did come to your planet, didn't we?). What ticks us off is these unimaginative fools who want to be adventurous but do not want to accept change. Case in point: The city Rome. We used the phrase "All roads lead to Rome" because our headquarters were in Rome. But these morons! Just because they didn't want to let go off that phrase, they built a city called Rome on every continent! Do you realize how difficult it is for our Inter-galactic Positioning Systems to work with that? Why don't you try having two streets with the same name in your city and then drive with a GPS? Then you'll understand our frustrations.

Our history after our Roman settlement has (very accurately) been fabricated by our wonderful scientists and I don't think I need to repeat something you have libraries for, you lazy humans. So, let's get back to the main reason why I started this one-sided discussion: You're stealing our phrases! You have been stealing them all along and a lot more recently. And frankly, our dears, we do give a damn! What you have done is taken some of our scientific terms and memories of our home planet and used them in the most grotesque way.

Let's start with the most common one nowadays: Cool. This was one of our scientific terms. It originated from our cryogenic labs. When we said something was "cool", it meant that it had reached optimal temperature of sustained sustenance. So, when we labeled something as "cool", we meant to say that it was working like it was meant to. But now, you humans use it to mean everything.

Then, you stole our word "awesome". Funnily, you don't realize that "awesome" is the name of our favorite fruit. It tastes a lot like a mango, is shaped like a pear and looks like strawberries with thorns on them. Delicious! Why do we love it so much? Because it is so hard to get and eat (the thorns are razor sharp). So, when we said something was "awesome", we meant that it was not-easily achievable, but worth all the effort. Though you use it in the same context, it does sound funny. How would you feel if we said "That guy is such a banana"? Funny, right? So yes, we don't mind you using this one because it gives us another opportunity to laugh at you ignorant morons.

But, the most irritating copy is our word "dude". I mean, seriously humans, we're not as stupid as you. We do not go around calling each other "human". Why did you have to steal the term we used to refer to people from our race? You are not dudes!! You are humans! Get it? Humans, not dudes! Stop calling yourselves dudes! Else, we'll release another Paris Hilton on you...intentionally this time.

So yes, as your great grandchid-fathers, we want you humans to stop using our terms so that we can concentrate on more important matters at hand like inventing hoverboards for you. What you should be doing is coming up with your own original vocabulary.

Oh, wait a minute, one of my colleagues just informed me that you do have an original vocabulary. Now now, don't be too proud of it though. We've heard that you use words like "sick" and "wicked" instead of "cool" and "awesome" now. Considering that you don't realize that a few decades ago the terms were used to refer to something bad/in a bad shape, I believe there is no harm in assuming that you humans are just plain stupid and we really shouldn't expect much from you.

Now, I regret wasting so much time on this post and trying to explain such deep ideas with you. I guess we'll just silently watch you rot your stupid brains away. Carry on, humans. Make us unproud of being part of your future ancestry.

Maybe we should've let those iguanas evolve after all....

[Post Publishing: A lot of non-existent you have asked me to explain how "The F Word" was stolen by you morons. Well, "The F word" i.e. FUCK was actually a scientific term we used to say "Finding Unexpected Critical Korombos". Korombos are these really irritating bugs that end up making a lot of noise, but don't really do anything. We use the term for our experiments because they usually involve getting rid of some minor bugs that don't affect the system on a whole. Thus, the phrases "FUCK it" and "We don't give a FUCK". Too bad you misinterpreted it as "sexual intercourse between two human beings". Seriously, even the crocodiles could evolve into something smarter than you! :-| ]